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fridashion

Where do the ducks go?
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fridashion

my crackhead brother got married

17 min read
idek if i usually put caps on my journal titles or nah hmmm

Malcolm, ive talked so much abt him in here, on tumblr, fucken everywhere
Malcolm, he taught me braille. there was this one time i made Tom mad and he crashed the car right into a pole and 4 year old me whnt right through the windshield lmao, imagine a4 year old with a lot of glass shards stuck into his skull how can i not laugh omfg. i lost my sight completely on my left eye, ever since then it hasnae done so well, i still cannae see clearily and if someone beats the shite outta me i still lose my light perception temporarily. Malcolm came to me a Blind Day, Tom had just beaten me to blindness and i was trying hard not to cry, i was prolly 5 or 6 and mayb it was only cause i was a child but losing ur sight even temporarily, even on one eye is so unnerving like its such a shite ass feeling all of the frustration of knowing u prolly wont b able so see again???? mayb is no big deal but i am fragile and Malcolm came to me, he asked me whats wrong
everything was wrong
Tom hated me, i barely speak the language, i had 1 friend and oh i was going blind :)
the bastard, Malcolm, he worked at a braille typewriter assembly line. what the fuck. he knew braille by memory, i know, he decided to accept the fact that i was going blind to teach me how to read. treating my sight loss like that was,,,,, comforting
comforting is not the word but its the first one that comes to mind
and i loved him for that, he was sweaty and his eyes look like glass and his hair was pleated and his speech was slurry and he had piss on his pants and dry blood on his beard and he was a disgraced addict w no future but it was okay cause he taught me braille cause i was going blind ofc i was

it was a couple of years later where he was nowhere to b found,, he used to dissapear every once in a while and he would always come back but this time it was the time where i found him. he had pissed himself and wasnae wearing a shoe and his hair was all muddy and i still managed to recognize him. i remember trying to grab him by the wrist and him lashing ut at me yelling giberrish, his eyes looked like Malcolms, the way he looked at me didnt match at all. he was at this one corner some blocks north when u exit the hive and go to the bus station, u just walk north till u find a Lloyds and boom there was Malcolm, disoriented and asking for spare change? maybe? i called drews parents to help me and all, i asked them cause them and malcolm are the only adults ive ever trusted plus they have a car where we would justt fucken kidnap him
and we literally did that, i didnae help, drew neither, we were kids after all, but drews dad just parked the van like "okay fella here we go" and the his other dad took him from the torso while the first dad held his legs and Malcolms mouth was foaming or something i just remember there was a lot of swearing and then it was all up to me, i took him to my room (in drews house, not the hive) and i forced him to eat, forced him to puke, gave him spare clothes, locked him in the bathroom, forced him to shower
it was insane, he was madly violent and confused and he hit me like a million times and i mean he might b strong but crackheads dont kno how to open locked doors. how can i not laugh.

then it was some other years later, he dissapeared again,, 7 months this time. i was going through my own shite, it wa 2016 you can read all about it right here, in fact i can just skip this whole paragraph you can just go to my june 2016 journals to read about how i let roger fuck me for some cocaine and how Malcolm interpreted it as a rape and beat the shite out of him, you can read about how he wasnae actually lost but went on to live w his sister, yes, his sister. a biological sister he always had but no one knew fuck all about, a nice girl with a job and education and a boyfriend and her own apartment. a loving and caring sister that lost her brother due to bigoted parents. Hes been living with her ever since, he has a retail job and drinks socially and sometimes smokes but thats it,,, imagine being almost 3 years free of crack

he is my hero

Ethel, his fiancee, she was the one that sent me the invitation, a nice garden wedding with about 80 guests, one of them was me

Me, the one bastard that is afraid to death of placing a single foot on the nightmare Cardiff turned out to be, the one person that is meant to attend but is too afraid to be found and choked to death, i wouldve been his best man if i was still a dude.

it was like 2 weeks ago when i got the e mail. i was with my friend Mat from tumblr and my friend Wyatt from twitter on rabbit watching some shite, u kno, like friends do. and Wyatt logged off and Mat and i was alone so i told him about the e mail.... i didnae realize how shite i felt by knoing i couldnae go to a single wedding, who tf cares abt those? who gives a shite abt 2 people feeling their love aint real enough until they have an audience? i realized it wisnae abt the cermony but abt the guy that taught me braille, the guy i locked in my bathroom, the guy that beat up a rapist for me. I cried in front of Mat cause maybe i feel like my pain is not enough unless i have an audience and he told me what any friend in distress would say "put your trauma in order" and boy it backfired. i told him gn,, it was like 3am, i wast on my flat feeling the loneliest and i did that, put my trauma in order and i wrote it all down in my diary but heres the part of my emotional bulimia that ended up on tumblr


-----------------------

When I talk about my trauma it feels like it’s about someone else, idk how to make it about me

Whenever I want to talk about a childhood experience it feels like it’s so distant,, so far away,, so unreal

Tom used to turn off his cigs on my skin, shoulders and chest mostly, the burns still sting to this day. He also crashed the car on purpose since I didnae stop talking or something, that’s why I’m afraid of being shotgun on leather seat cars. He hid his alcoholic breath behind mint mouthwash, that’s why I cannae stand the smell. He would beat me with his leather belt,, I don’t wanna b near leather in my life tbh. He used to drink diet Coke and even the colour of the can is so repulsive to me.

Certain things are more obvious like the fact that idk what a square root is cause he never let me enroll in school. Not like the fact that I just feminized myself out of spite and as a coping mechanism.

He used to chop or burn my hair off whenever it went past my ears,, I was never happy with that. Imagine being 8 and hating the mirror already, fucks sake. He never let me into religion and now I blame my sadness on atheism.

The proof, the evidence, the aftermath of what happened is still there, at plain sight,, why can’t I believe in it’s reality??

Trauma is not just about the abuse from my “"caregiver”“ but also about The Hive as a whole and how they forced me to be a mule,, in suburban Wales,, yup that makes sense. It’s also about how they murdered my best friend and let her body out there in every single passerbys sight,, without an ounce of respect, there just to be found by me. It’s also about how they would use me for sex, I mean, I got drugs in exchange but still. I was 15. It’s also about how they let me share the attic with a random heroin addict and about how I had to move his corpse to the side since he died in my bed, thanks Ewan.

That shite ain’t even half of it and it’s already so morbid. So fake yet so lucid.

I’m changing now but I wish change had come sooner. I wish Tom didnae send a death threat to that couple that tried to adopt me, I wish I knew drugs are bad, I wish I was given kisses goodnight, I wish I had finished grade school, I wish my biological mother didnae have so much power over my money, I wish Steve was alive as well as rooks and Amy and Sterling and Oliver and even Ewan,,,

Malcolm I’m so fucking sorry for missing your wedding. I’m sorry that after knowing you as a deadbeat addict that taught me how to be a decent person no matter the environment, that after all the pain we went through to find your sister and getting you clean,, I still couldnae go to your wedding. To your most special day. I genuinely hope you are happy now, you deserve to be happy, may you always be content.
--------------------------

i knew what i had to do to get rid of this sadness, drugs

After i told Sergio he uhhhh "ruined" me by "forcing" a sex change on me, yeahh a year later, 2 weeks ago, after talking to Mat i went to his flat, he lived w his auntie and his maw and i rang the bell, i didnae want to apologize, i just needed valium in my fave shade of blue. his maw opened up "oh are u one of Sergios friends? he disnae live here anymore"
what the fuck, "oh its fine i just think i left my phone charger here the other day, do u mind if i go check?" ??????????? a phone charger? really Di? REALLY? i kno old ladies are stupid but a fucking phone charger?? She let u in anyways, what a stupid old dumb fuck.
I went up to his room, it was almost empty, he in fact didnae live there. he kept the pills on a camera briefcase kidn of thing, and it was there, in the closet. how could i not cry. only it wasnae filled w valium blue but some pink and some white stuff. took the pink one expecting for it to be benadryl, love that DPH and justt popped em all in and left his flat, not before the maw gave me his new address "just in case" sure, lady. i closed the front door and started rushing to the subway station, idk why i always run when i have to take the tube, shuffling through the crowd i bumped into him. what are the fucking odds he was on his way to visit his maw. he looked at me and recognized me and i told him to watch where he was walking now i just had to wait for them pills to take effect,
i didnt see shadow people or spiders or anything, i think i took a lot of tic tacs, pink ones. i dont know what that stuff was, i didnae kno where to get drugs but clubs

i hate clubbing i hate raves, i hate electronic music but a wee bit of ectasy,,, just to u kno,, it sounded like a good idea and i snuck in between the neon lights and drunk teens, got my fix, panicked in the bathroom, kissed a stranger woke up in my flat two days later. i dont even wanna know, i looked at the mirror, i stared back at me, i looked like shit, w candy stuck on my hair and drool on my cheek, my underwear was intact, ive been worse,, so much worse. the phone rang, i didnae kno we had a landline again. i was alone. my flat is never empty. i picked up and a voice said "uhhh is diana there?? hello????" i didnae recognize her voice, i didnae kno who she was "yeah, its me"
her name is Pam, she found my mobile at the bathroom from the club, she called back the last number that tried to contact me, she wanted to meet up so she could give it to me, we met up for coffee. she is a serial raver, she lives under ectasy and neon colors, she is also a literal angel that returns phones and buys disgraced girls coffee. she poked around on my phone and got my name from my fb profile, she also stumbled into all of my nudes and asked what i did for a living. she is so polite. i am a prostitute darling.
Pam, Pamela, she feels like an old friend i felt like i could talk to her abt anything, and i p much did, i puked all over her with my mighty emotional bulimia.
"u kno what i do when im sad?" she asked "I smoke a blunt hehe but shh"
she is my new best friend, after the coffee she took me to her flat and rolled one up for me and i just couldnae stop vomiting all of my bulimia all of my emotions all on her. until i got a text "u free tonite?" it was a client, i explained pam, im a prostitute, a hooker and a call girl. i hadnt done many sex work recently but eh what the fuck, not like i had more important shite to do like idk attend a wedding

keep in mind that fucking wedding is what brought me here
that whole malcolm rambling wasnae for nothing.
the reason why i almost relapse, is i cannae put my trauma in order

the story is not over yet, this is just jan 4th through 6th? maybe, i say bye to my new bestie, i say hi to my client.
I was still high from the hachis and all and i think i didnae notice how rough he was being, he payed me and all so i couldnt complain much, i brought this upon myself. went back to my flat and showering, it stung ike a motherfucker, i looked at the back/side of my upper arm and it was just,,, live muscle, i dont know how hard that bastard clung on to me but this looked animal, it looked terrifying, it was one of those times where it disnae hurt until you se it, until it gets an audience. hopped out of the shower and looked at myself still wet and naked,, it wasnt only my arms but a part of my neck and my left thigh as well. imanaged to get dressed up, my thigh hurt so much in that moment i was limping, limping all my way to the pharmacy. u kno when u lose so much blood ur brain becomes irrational? i thought i just needed a couple of bandages but it turns out i needed stitches and surgery for my plastic cunt. the pharmacy lady wanted to call an ambulance, the ER is literally blocks away, i told her i could walk it
and i did?????????? i, had raw meat showing through my arms and thigh and neck and i still managed to limp all the way to the ER
that makes sense
i dont know how much of this really happened, i dont know how much im making up, i wish i was reliable but soemtimes i go back to my memories and they seem so fucked up, not blurry just "you couldnaeve limped all the way to the ER" kind of fucked up
they stitched me up, they asked who attacked me, they told me i should go to the police, they told me i could confess and theyd protect me
what are they talking about?? this is just Hooker Goes Wrong Vol. 1
i didnae testify against him cause he paid me
he did rip my cunt too, tht was just disrespectful...

when they do shite to ur fake vagina they dont open u up, not many people kno this but what they do is they fill ur belly with air and put some tools inside you through a mini hole, no scar, it all goes up ur belly button and thats all, it may or may not get swollen but u can just put ice packs on there to soothe the pain. i kno this cause Sergio would put the ice on me, he would tke care of me and kiss my forehead and wee would hold hands. and the nurses told me abt 4 days later "ure all healed up, u can leave now, would you like for uss to call someone to pick u up?" i thought Sergio but honestly fuck him, i thought Pam but we just met, i tought my flatmates but the humiliation is not worth it, i tought sergio, i gave the nurse the paper with his address and phone..

I wanted to die, i love him but i didnae want to see him, he validated me, he was my audience, he made me feel human, he made me feel real. and i was just a bitch
He didnae look angry or dissapointed he just held me and said that he missed me, he asked what happened, i just said i was sorry, i wouldnae stop apologized
i am sorry for treating him like just an audience, like a no one that just exists at my expense to make me real. he held me for the longest time, i let him embrace me. i wasnt just a hug, it was a promise to protect.

I am writing this from my flat, still wearing one of his hoodies, he told me i could stay with him as long as i wanted and thats what im going to do, i stayed for a week already but i missed my flat and now i miss him

maybe it was okay that i missed the wedding, maybe it was okay wyatt signed out rabbit, maybe it was okay that i went clubbing, maybe it was okay i got attacked by that client, idk, ill never know for sure all i kno is, at least for now is im okay and thats all that matters

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fridashion's avatar
fridashion

feb 2k18

14 min read
okei okei okei deviant fucken art describe to me how tf did i talk abt the fucken earthquake on my only journal of feb '18 but not about my massive sex change???? yo what the Fuck!
i mentioned i was staying at Gios house, Sergio, i love him, i loved him
i loved him so much i had to destroy him

"who tf is gio?"

lets go back to better days where i just wanted to get high okay? okei
i ask my good old pal Candy who is his supplier and he introdices me to sergio,his hair is so dark it could be a black hole

he develops a massive crush on me instantly. not like i can blame him for it. i am beautiful and irresistible. if only i could believe it

Sergio and i become friends, if friendship means "i lead him on and give him wings and he gives me extra drugs for free" then im sure af we were the bestest of friends
those kind of friendship where everyone ships u two but ure like "pfft yeaH! i mean i stayed over at his flat and we cuddled but no big deal. just frends"

Sergio is perfect but for one thing
he didnae kno i was a dude
he didnae kno i had a penis yall
how do you break those kind of news to someone
to someone that genuinely cares abt u

not like i didnae care for him, i kind of did. or maybe i just cared if he was still caring for me idk its too complicated. i dont wanna think abt my feelings for him or ill cry

lets go back to ferbuary, ater knoing Gio for an eternity and
Back in February i did something
I did something im not proud of, February was a shite month to brief it up; Chloe was MIA, i starved myself so often i lost a bunch of weight, i was still selling sex, i was going nowhwere w my education, i had a chance to testify against the hive, it was just a lot
Plus the fever. That fucken fever.
And i needed a friend
Someone i like to call bendodiazepam
I had been clean since august last year, take back the relapse and it had been june
8 fucken months without doing benzos and i fucked all up

NOW what a better way to say what exactly happened than justt copying and pasting a tumblr entry from that very same day? :^D here it goes (/'-')/

((its funny if u read this and then my other journal from feb 18,, my typing fluctuates so much but that month it stayed the same and its so different than todays omfg))

Where to fucken start im

Okei

Im fine yall!

Now where the fuck have i been
In a word: relapse
In a metaphor: through hell and back
In a 3k word essay:

Oh buddy
You got urself into this
:^)

I dunno how to start this so I'll start the same way I begin 90% of my letters. Gentle blog, It all started on the 3rd? Week of January?? Somewhere around that date. Yes. I got fever and my whole life went to SHITE. Not as if I had the most wonderful life ever in the first place but, ysee, I never get sick, whenever I feel I'm getting ill I'm just like "no" and then I don't :^) it be magical I know but, fuckin sigh, this time I was all "I think I'm getting ill" and then ye have me dying of fever for a week straight

«but Aleks, fever sucks but is not THAT bad»
Okei, yes but when you are 40° all day and night, you can't give yourself the luxury of being a hustler
Oh yes, sorry mom but I'm a hooker, Im in the middle gangbangs for a living and give blow jobs for tips :^)
No hustling=no money
No money=no food
Oh boy, wasn't I starving that day. I mean starvation was the last straw cause I had to deal w Tom and his lawyers and the Denize thing that won't leave my mind and the whole Chloe stuff, like I haven't been sleeping peacefully as well w my paranoia and shite and then it all keeps going to hell w the hive and
I'm sorry God, yes it is true what I'm gonna say and let it be known I don't hold pride on my actions but
This hurts to type but, for fucks sake, after more than 150 days, one hundred and fifty days, almost half a year, more than five months of being free of benzos, of going every fucking week to NA meetings, of going through withdrawal, of being CLEAN, I decided to relapse
Relapse is a part of recovery amirite guys?? HAHA YES GOOD, GO BACK TO STEP TWO YA COWARD, JUST POP SOME PILLS YOULL BE FIIIINE YEA YEA, THE VERTIGO AND PARANOIA ARE WAAYY BETTER THAN A FEW DAYS OF STARVATION GOTEM BOIIIS

I fuckin hate myself so much sometimes

Like

I mean

Fuck

Anyways the past is in the past and it cannot harm u anymore blah blah blah

Act II: Aleks cries his way into Sergio's life
I know, I know "what a better person to resort to but your drug dealer"
Yes, and as I've said before, I hate myself so much sometimes but ysee, gentle blog, Gio knows his shit around drugs and withdrawal and 12 steps and benzos and pills not to mention is mad crush on me, more on that later.
I had him and my sponsor; who did me the favour of yelling at my dumb ass face Jesus Christ dude how can this ppl deal w me i mean if I was someones sponsor and found out my bitch used again without even giving me a buzz I would end myself istg this is why I'll never be one lmao
So off I go, falling with all my might back to step two, and then, I climbed with Gio all the way up to step 5 HELL YE and, I mean, pls don't tell my mom but, I spent with him like a full month, like, I mean, holy shit dude, I was at my flat like twice? during my detox I mean, boy, get yerself someone like Serio, I mean, he is the best at recovery like, I'm tripping a lot over my words cause I don't even know where to start with this dude is just that
It's been so long, so fucken long, since someone actually gives a shite about me like with Gio I can be myself and be 100% honest w him and won't pressure me into stuff and man, he truly cares I mean, I used to think he was just like another swain that just desires me to fuck and then ditch me, reason why I ignored him for the first century of knowing him 👉👈 yeehhh I'm not proud of myself either
But now I'm ecstatic, he overwhelms me to death, he is the only person with a fully decent heart I know
AND HE DOESNT WANNNA FUCK ME
!!!!!!!!!!
U see how surreal this is?
I mean, sure I have sex for money and stuff but that's besides the fact that i don't know a single "crush" "lad" "swain" "suitor" whatever that doesnt want to get into my pants as soon as possible like

If he goes to church AND rehab with you, he is a keeper

I'm speechless man, he leaves me speechless and numb and overwhelmed and Such Great Heights.mp3

But you don't care about that, what I feel for him is just the aftermath of what he did for me

He made me realize shit. Then again I'm unable to start sentences and shite but, gentle blog, Sergio made me realize how shite my childhood was, I mean, we all knew that but what I'm trying to say is, for example, Gio is forcing me to eat every day. To me that is unreal cause I was raised to believe I didn't deserve that, before Sergio, and my close friends won't let me lie, I would eat ONCE every other day and now I look back and???that's soo fucked up why?? Why did I believe that? Was Tom REALLY that cruel? Like I legitimately thought eating 4 times a week was a luxury let alone thrice every single day I'm. I'm still working on that, with Gio here it is gonna be easy. Same thing applies to sleeping, on a bed, that is your own and speaking, with words, coming out of your mouth and walking, stretching your legs and using the front door, instead of the window

I mean, Christ dude, I feel so bad for kid me who thought all this behavior was normal I'm

I have Sergio by my side now, so everything is gonna be okay

AND HE DOESNT WANNA SHAG ME!!!!!!!!!
oh man
Oh man oh man oh man

Right now, as I type, I'm still not at step 12, I'm barely finishing step 5 with Gio and my sponsor and everything seems brighter now like he gives me so much mirth I mean, having someone I can tell Hive shit to without being told "your life is too depressing" or being able to word vomit all of my emotional bulimia in front of someone or having my head being held while I puke the rest of those pills, or having someone who I feel safe with is such a great

Privilege is not the word but it's the first one that comes to mind

It's so surreal it's so fucken great it's so

Sergio knows everything now, from my epilepsy to the hive to my obsession with cards to my first pet to my insecurities to my fears

Gentle blog, don't ever tell anyone what you fear. That is the biggest mistake you can make. You give someone the power to destroy you. Unless it is someone like Gio #WordsToLiveBy

Also I realize now, if you have to read this is probably cause I never communicated with you during my detox and I'm so sorry but, sometimes having too many people is harmful as well and I asked Gio to not let me have my phone unless it was urgent or whatever like the only ppl I ever talked to were Lucio, Alex, and Ivan and if one of you three are reading this I'm like sorry² lmao i hate myself so much sometimes but yeh don't take it personal, if my isolation bothered you so much i apologize but if I don't put myself first I might as well collapse

I'm tired of typing, gentle blog, I've told this shite to everyone already, to everyone who cares at least. And written this but 3x longer on my journal lmao. Whatever, this is me bidding farewell to you, gentle blog. I'm tired now, I deserve some rest, I went through hell and back, too much happens all the time. So much shite
All
The
Time
-------------------------
mental how i didnae talk abt what happened after he stood by me through all my recovery ha ha

he,,, he didnae just get me out of benzos, he knos a surgeon and he suggested the whole "symbolic adoption" thing and he held my hand through the whole process and he put ice on my belly to help the surgerys inflamation go down and

the day i told him i had a dick and all,, not gonna lie, things was starting to get p hot. i am asexual, to me, no one is attractive, i could fuck a wall if it had a cock. Sergio he never wanted to shag me, just holding my hand and doing the forehead touch thing was more than enough for him.. that day i guess i was leading him on, making him think that i wanted it and maybe i did i dont know i could feel him get hard but it wasnt until i got hard i told him to stop and he did????? like a command like. he stood up and apologized and then i did and i was gonn cry and he told me it was fine and we can go my pace but that was not the thing! sex means fuck all to me
why be so emotional over an emotionless act?
and with my face full of shame and i told him i was born male

"but you want to be a girl right? you SEE yourself as a girl and all?"

I am not like those folks on TLC that talk about how they always liked pink and barbies and dressing in their sisters clothes, i never thought i was on the wrong body, i never wanted a female name. i want atention, i want what i dont want. i wanted to be mutilated so bad, i wanted to kill Aleks for once i wanted to get rid of him, my relapsing days my benzos days, the abuse from the hive, the cig scars, the fear of diet coke, the trauma it all belonged to aleks, if i could just kill him and start over. give me a new persona i can just kill later. make me a woman, i dont want that. i dont want my cock removed or my chest softer but it will give me attention, i will ruin all of my previous friendships, they wont see a guy theyll pay attention to the new girl in the block. she needs that attention so that aleks can die

"yes" i lie to him, i lie to the face that smiled at me and touched my forehead with his and held my hair while i puked pills "i was always feminine, it couldnt be normal" i try to cry to make it seem real to make it seem emotional. i am never real unless he is around. "i am lucky to have a small frame and soft features" its called being intersex you stupid fucking hermaphrodite. cant you stop it. stop lying t o him, to the one true person that wont leave you "i wish i could change my name and start over"

you stupid manipulative liar

you never was in TLC. your story is as fake as your new plastic cunt

Diana M. Ripley
i didnae get to choose the last name of course, since i was an orphan over 18 the only way i could change my last names was by being adopted. they were Sergios friends, more like family friends, a couple with a wee kid,, they werent poor but i had money and they was qualified for adoption or whatever

Diana M. Ripley
the M stands for Motherfucking

the name i got it from my da, u kno, the one i thought was dead and i just found out he was alive?? he said that "if u was born a girl i wouldve named u Diana" and i took it. he said that. mayb he thinks its a pretty name, maybe it was his mas name, maybe he read it once and thought yeahh, maybe... maybe whatever,, it is my name now and im keeping it

aleks is dead in a hole, sure our likes and dislikes are the same, our views, beliefs and personality but at least i dont have a dick


that was feb 2018
march 2018 didnt go as well, i regretted it. i regretted it all, the stupid name, the surgery, the money i gave the Ripleys, the estrogen patches, the clothing, the walking,,,, the fucking voice. i hated it more than hating Diana i hated Gio for making me go though it. big fucking idiot. i was never a TLC person, i never wore my sisters clothes, i never looked at scarlett johanson with envy. why did Sergio mutilate me?? why did he let me do this damahge to myself? i am ruined and i am yelling at him
i yell at him all of that
i say that and i thank him for ruining my life

i didnae talk to him until jan 4th 2k19,, almost a full year after ruining him by ruining me
i am writing this from his flat, i am wearing one of his hoodies
just what the fuck happened between us so fast?
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fridashion's avatar
fridashion

ppl are never nice to me

5 min read
OFF was like,,, Chlos and Me thing u kno, i met her bc of homestuck and when she was all Oi is OFF any good i was AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and made her play it and she did fanart and i was so proud of her ((am still be proud of she)) and she dissapears for like 2 years and i do nothing but worry?! i legit tought the hive killed her like, Di my dear,, no 
adams song literally started playing sigh
and then time passes by and i get a YT video suggestion,, Nitro Rads review of OFF, whoever the fuck Nitro Rad even is, and just for the good ol days i watch it and i shit u not not even a minute in, Chlos fanart. right there, on the video, right as nitro rad talks abt how amazing OFFs fanbase is and im like, holy shit
i have to find her 
and shite like this always hapen to me at like 3am when im sleepy as shit and last thing i wanted to do for the day was watch a random YT video
the video that made me look for Chlo
i input her tumblr UN and HOLY SHITE SHE IS THERE 
i cry
i literally cry

no one is ever nice to me and the people who are i cherish em a lotT

chloe is one of them, god i love her

and i DM her like oi bitch i missd u!!!! and she be all yehh, am sorry ah need a break like no worries dude, take as many breask as u want but dont dissapear

Alex was kind to me and god did i love her
when i got to this country i was so lost and alone and crestfallen and she comes in like Oi ya like SPN like bitch i love SPN and we speak daily and we be chattin long ass messages we had so much fun it should be illegal

and then she betrays my friendship by finding my tumblr (see also, my only personal corner) and by dating Lili and never telling me
oh shite i think i did lilis name by calling her Lima but honestly fuck her, fuck em both,,, full doxxing goin on here u kno

but eh thats another story what she did this time tho OHOHOHO ILL NEVER FORGIVE HER

she mssed wmy dignity and IVE HAD IT 

but lil di? what did she do? she stood me up lol but like fuck her, that shite aint worth it

im so mad, im p certain she thinks of me more than i think of her bt like wow toxic much?

Mike was also nice to me, but hes blockd me now.. i hacked in to my flatmates PC to add him and confront him abt it like wow im so extra but i,,, miss him so much???????? like it pains me how much i miss him like its so ridiculoius, Kim asked me if ive ever had my heart broken, since i am asexual and all and i told him, yes. When justice left (if ure reading this i miss u to death) and when Mike kept blocking and just avoiding me and gettin read of me 

sigh

Margot and i are p much on good terms now i mean, ive been taggin her on dumb ass shite and she replies and weve had a couple of heart to heart convos but Gio, wow i mean

fucking Gio

i put my pride on the side and i apologized,, even tho i had nothing to apologize for tbh and he,,, left me at seen like okei okei okei 

and i talk to margot and she is all oi imma tell you a secret but dont tell anyone and im all OI who am i gonn tell besides our only mutual friend??? and she is all well, maybe ull tell our only mutual friend? and im like oh,, our only mutual friend? haha he disnae even like taking to me :)
and i wanted

i wanted to play the victim so bad i wanted to be alll OI GIO DISNAE LIKE ME AND I FUCKING LOVE HM AND IT PAINS ME HE TREATS ME WITH SO MUCH DISDAIN PLS TALK TO HIM but nah i was just like nvm tell me the secret 

margot if u ever find out it is YOU the one im vagueing abt on this fucken 13yo ridden site,,, talk to Gio, tell him he makes m feel like shite ass shite on its purest form ty

oh also i didnae go to the crrectional phone jobbing thing cause there was like 4 guys that kept harrasing me and i tell this to my Dom and he is the oposite of Gio so he disnae leave me at seen and he is supporting :)

fuck you Gio if u ever find out it is u im vagueing abt

which you wont b ever sure cause if u evr confront me ill just lie and say ????? what ???? no i mean OTHER GIO u kno,, not u ofg i cannae believ ure so self centered u really think im vagueing abt you lmao how pathetic

eniways
chlo, margot, justice, mike,,, i love u guys and i would die and stalk all ur social media for u
alex, gio,, u guys can choke, see if i care 
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fridashion's avatar
fridashion

Am so depressing it aint even funny

7 min read
FUCKS SAKE how long it be since i dont write here??

 ive been writin on my irl journal so like lmk if u want me to fax u a copy of it

damn where to start
i got a job at a drug store and then QUITTED cause im over qualified for that shite like???? u got me sellin drugs ? agian? reallky?
nah fuck them

also my boss had a weird relationship w one of my coworkers so that was weird too
now i work for a correctional phone thing? dunno am still on training so i dont wanna boast abt it just to be at the QA office tomorro like "oh ure fired ya wee shite" then id have to come back agin and b like

Bois,,, ah fucked up

Margot got mad at me cause she tought i called her a homophobic slur
yeah, me
bein homophobic

like okay margot im gonn pretend it didnae hurt me you assumed that kinda shite would come from me but okei

Also got mad at gio,, was just in the Patter and he sends me a dm like "oi stop mocking me" like what a puSYY

texted my dom abt gio,,, he made me feel better uwu

also that shite,, am apparenty on an official D/s relationship???? we aint datin like we aint boyfriends or whatever we just,,, bdsm sex and then we go fetch some mcchickens
love me some Mcchickens

gio and margot can gtfo till shitscram,, im makin postcards this year, gonn draw sum birds and shit am definetly makin one for margot but gio
honestly fuck him

makes me mad cause i love him to death, he introduced me to one of my fave bands and i just click w him or
welp i used to have such good chemistry w him like he would make me laugh till i felt like puking i mean?????? get ya a man like that but recently????? i try to have a nice chat w him like 1st base stuff
not o that music or feelings shite just "oi which cereal is the best" or like whtaever really but he just plain ignores me and then accuses of removing him from discord i mean?????? idk how to add ppl on  pisscourt

btw add me ((whY is it green))

Gio tho,,, his fucken attitude is bringin me down so BAD and i refuse to turn into 2013 me like ew no, let that BITCH dieeee


not really doin prostitution anymore which is kinds bad actually? i miss easy money and all but apparently everyone else is happy i dont have to get an hiv test every two weeks heh :)
im miserable :)
prostitution is nice 10/10 -IGN

for some treason ever since i was little i knew i was gonn end p doin this shite meh


WHAT i dint kno yet was i was gonn end up gettin a plastic cunt and changin my name
;^)
oh ye, no big surprise but guyss this is a big deal 4 me leav me alone

earthbound legit cured my depression but we all knew that


Jughead is my Discord pfp cause he is the most relateble character ever i mean
loves burgers - check
asexual - check
:^) - check
wears a STUPID hat - check
maybe im projecting a lot but i relate to jughead so much???? i love him to death honestly like i dont even wanna get started on him cause this is supposed to be a update on dianas journal not an update on archie comics journal

yes thers also that

last year when i met my dad he was all "aleks is a good name but if u were born female id name u diana" and that shite struck w me so HARD ah cannae even explain it
ive always hated tom, ive always hated sally therefore ive always hate the way they raised me??? idk how to explain it but as long as im not forced to wear pants or have my hair cut or beingcalled by a boys name i feel so much better... its not just the name or the looks actually but boys lettin me get on the lift first and bein called ma am and bein an average height is

cannae explain it
yall should get a sex change, try and tell me how that feels lmao

speaking of juggie,,, conner got me a tf2 hat, a whoopee cap, Jughead themed, i love him so much
despite the fact that im not used to getting gifts or anything in the first place like the time Abi drew that alien for me or the time Justice (rip) did my OC for me like

i cherish that
i cherish it so much its been 6 years and i still tear up at the fact that WOW JUSTICE DREW MY OC

good times man, good times

((justice if ure reading this i miss u bro, i really do))

speaking of the good old days

streetlight manifesto
oh yes
my timeless obsession

IM SEEIN EM LIVE JANUARY IM FUCKING CRY ING

STILL CANNAE BELIV they poste Mexico City date and i took my flatmates credit card (cause i only have debit) and bough 1 (one) ticket for me and im FUCKEN ECSTATIC

bois, streetlight man9festo is the only good thing that came out of my shite ass childhood
a quick rundown: i was starved, abused, had my left eyesight completely fucked up, got my hair burnt regularly, got used as a mule, got into sex work p early, i used to drink when i was like 11?????? fuck is that? i used to sleep on fucked up mattresss that had been peed on by members of the hive, see aslo: the crack house where i lived, also theres the time that i got spray pain on my mouth i mean,, i think they tried to kill me? SPEAKIMG of death they killed my best friedn,, never forget..... shite ass childhood, thank god its all blocked out now, for the most part WHAT IM TRYINA SAY IS streetlight was there for me since FOREVER tom got EWN bck when we lived in malaga been listenin to it since then, im speakin abt 2002 like bruh

i got tired of MCR, of Green Day of SUM41,,, even NOFX is startin to bore me but SM has like 4 albums i cannae stop listenin to them, ill never get tired, ill never get bored and seein the live..... actually depresses me a lil bit i mean


nothing will top that moment,, all ive lived for is streetlight and im afraid this lil one Concert is gonn ruin them for me
idk i can be p pessimistic sometimes im just so hyped im so so afraid it wont go as planned AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

ITS 1 30 AManddd im used to sleepin early now,,,gonn stay up for a while, talk to the philipino kid from steam,,, love that kid,, we givin each other xmas presents,,, prolly gonn give him a strange knife or smth

gentle journal as cathartic as this has been i must flee, for i have to kobe meself to bed tnx u

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fridashion's avatar
fridashion

hell ppl die

1 min read
oi! why peep die? ey? who gave them permission
who wnt dere and be all alike oi! is ok ye can leave
ye can die 
no selfish man will miss ye
fuck bullshit
why they decide believe that????
ey! ye cant die
not on my watch my friend
so many ppl ysee
they be leavin like?? whit who permission of??
fuck you pal
you dont deserve this
just fuck earn it
ya wee asshole

oi oi oi
me life be ruined
yes y es its was shite ass shite to begin with but
fuck you
dont disappear like tht
cant i hate you?
I CANT HATE YOU
YOU CANTE DIE
oi ey pal
you were nver meant for death
ya wee

feck u and everything ye ever stood for
you asshole just leavin
like that aint rude
like nobody care
i care 

ey
i hate myself for tht

ey
i hate myself for carin
for carin for a fuck asshole
dickhead
ya knob
oi! imma die
no
thats not sane you idiot

crestfallen
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